Saturday, February 28, 2009
My blog is being held hostage by strangers.
Saturday, November 29, 2008
Waking up to a dark room, being conscious of the existence of objects around you, which threaten to make the room look darker if you turn the lights on.
There are two pressure points on your throat.
EOM
Wednesday, November 05, 2008
The past-me
I wish I hadn't stopped writing here. Regardless of how little I wrote in the past, I can see that this diary has managed to record moments, slices, images which are somewhat revived when I glance over them and recall the feeling that I had when I wrote each of them.
A while ago I received a "future-me" email that I had written to myself a year before then. I remember I wrote another future-me email after reading the first one. But I don't recall what I have written in it at all. I'm so longing to get it back in my mailbox. I want to know what I'd have to say to myself. The today-me needs someone to talk to him, and the past-me, I'm sure, is the best person for the job.
So let me record another image for the future. I wanna note down that today I couldn't stand watching people having sex in a movie. I felt like I wanted to turn my face, just the same way you'd want to avoid watching a horror scene in a scary movie. It was like the thought of intercourse induced an emotion too strong for me to handle. My vocabulary is coming short, but I wanna note down suspense, jilt, and trauma.
I don't like that I had to write so plain and naked. But it doesn't matter. It's for a good cause. It's for the future-me.
Tuesday, November 04, 2008
Restless morning
Why weren't I told about what I had truly shown that I can hear? I know I had built enough trust, enough confidence, enough security... way more than enough.
The images that could have been shared with me on a good day, why did they have to end up haunting me in disturbed dreams on a restless morning?
I've learned that I have shared something without knowing. I've learned that I have been deprived of the share I should have had in something. My share is set to be in the restless mornings.
There is a magnet on the fridge door with cartoon faces for different feelings. I know I can't choose any single one. I know I have mixed feelings. But I know the bad has become so big it doesn't even let me daydream about a way to keep the good.
Saturday, November 01, 2008
This is not a blog, but it's all mine.
My hit counter shows that nobody read my last post. That's comforting to know. It helps me relax and think about what I would like to say, without being distracted by thinking about who will see it. I know people will read things eventually, but they will read it at a different time and things are different at different times. Time changes everything.
Friday, October 31, 2008
A Slice of Golestan
I've got a lot to say. I've got a lot to write about. And this was never a blog. This was never the place to write about what matters the most.
Perhaps I can just note down how happy I was to see Florida again for a few days. There was not enough time to see the foggy mornings, or the rainy afternoons. But the greener grass was everywhere. And I could readily see and smell the freshness in the land and in the air.
I played volleyball with friends for an hour. I never thought I could be back so early when I left. I missed my friends there.
I forgot to take my old university ID with me. I couldn't ride the bus. It felt surreal. It felt like one of those recurring dreams of the past where I dreamed I'd go back to Iran and then just remember that I have a class the next day, while I don't have some documents ready to go back in time.
Saturday, January 12, 2008
Everybody in real life
I watched "Dan in real life" twice in a row tonight. I like Steve Carell. He has some kind of believable character in this type of roles. I have a somewhat similar feeling toward Ben Stiller. I just looked up his name on the internet. I hardly remember people's names.
I watched the movie with two different audiences. At 9:00pm and at 11:30pm on a Friday night. There was a big difference in the two audiences' reactions. The first audience were much louder. They laughed out loud at many more scenes. However, the second audience seemed to be paying more attention to the finer points. They seemed to behave like they were more introverted. I am wondering if there is any correlation between being introverted and having the tendency to get involved in late-night activities. Yeah, I can pull correlations out of, err, nowhere, if you had any doubt about that.
The movie was the kind of funny that I like. But what resonated with me more was that flavor of loneliness that it carried all over. Especially that type of loneliness where people are not necessarily upset or disappointed, but they are consistently self-conscious about their loneliness, which has so much impact on how they react and on what matters to them. Most people are so lonely in a way. I don't know how we ended up like this. Is that how we are supposed to be? We come to life alone and we die alone. Is that a good enough reason why we should live lonely lives as well? On the other hand, realizing this is a a bit comforting. I think we should really learn not to take loneliness personally!
Friday, January 04, 2008
I want to write about honesty, and liberation. They are unrelated. Their only relation is that I have thought about them in the past few days.
1. Honesty. How can I spend time writing about such so-called--quote unquote--fine subjects and avoid the urge to question my maturity at the same time. Seems impossible. Anyways.... The punch line is, I am fed up with dishonesty. This is flat out how I feel. Conveying the ifs and hows and whys and what-elses to the "future me" reading this at some time in the future is a task orders of magnitude more difficult than paraphrasing a feeling. Anyways, I gotta try. Here comes the composition.
Dishonesty does not equal lying. Actually, the most hurtful type of dishonesty is avoiding disclosure of information. It's where we have hidden agendas. It's when we don't let someone know what is going to happen. It's when we believe we know better and we can decide for some other people without including them. Other people who if we tell them what we know, since they don't know as well as us, they may draw wrong conclusions and make wrong decisions. It's faking the way we think of someone, just because we think we can't afford the consequences of being honest.
OK, I am not the first human being to complain about some ethics-related issue. However, my argument is about anything but ethics. In fact, it's quite easy to be self-righteous and put on a judgmental hat and disapprove of anything others do just because they don't match our personal belief system. I am usually conscious about that, and this just makes nagging more difficult. The thing is, I can justify for myself if I hear a lie about something really big. People are simply afraid of revealing some important secrets. But I'm just fed up with hearing lies about every unimportant and minuscule thing.
Why do we sometimes automatically assume that the safest way is in hiding things? After a couple of days of thinking, I think I know the answer. But still, I want to do the nagging part first. I'm just a bit frustrated to see people's word change so easily all around me. I'm frustrated to find myself unable to prevent people from changing their agendas without telling me, when it has a big impact on me. I am just a bit confused about how I am supposed to feel when I have sincerely shown to somebody that they can be honest with me about any particular issue, and still they prefer to use an excuse not to be, even when they are aware that disclosure of information won't hurt them in anyway, but avoiding it has a known detrimental effect.
No more nagging today. Promise.
OK, here's the explanation. I think everybody says people lie because they are afraid. That they lie since they don't want to put themselves at risk. That they lie to avoid problems. But I think this is not accurate. I believe the main reason behind lying is about people's "perception of themselves" and their "perception of their social image". That is, what matters the most to us is how we feel about ourselves and the way we think others see us. We are willing to go to extremes to just protect these "perceptions". Everybody's ideal perception is different. But everyone likes to look a certain way to themselves and to others. Some people think confident is good. Some think caring is good. If I think that being wise is most important, I may be tempted to hide from my friend that the reason why I'm asking him to deliver a key is because I screwed up the schedule and couldn't arrive in town in time. Even though my friend doesn't see that as a big deal. I need to lie to them to protect my own perception of my social image. It's not like I'm afraid they won't accept to do the favor. It's just because I care so much about what I think of myself. In fact I'm ruining something else. But what matters is that the wiseness perception is preserved.
If my friend has freely allowed me to do something which is perceived to be bad by some, I can still choose not to let them know when I am going to do it, just if I find it to be hurting whatever perception I have of my own image. That is, if I think any part of it will make me look bad, I won't do it. Even though I am aware that my friend accepts me for who I am. Even though I can imagine that they will have an incredibly hard time digesting why I have not been honest for apparently no reason. It's amazing if we are willing to sacrifice our real image for getting a better feeling of ourselves.
This does not apply to all situations. When it comes to our close ones and important people in our lives, we are willing to involve their belief system too. There, we focus our attention on the other side. There's utmost care and affection in letting someone see the true you. It's like opening yourself to somebody's judgment. You tell them "here's who I am, and here's what I have done and here's what I'm going to do". By this, you let them know that you believe in them and you are confident in something between you. This is why honesty makes a difference. It's not for the ethics of it. It's because it is an integral and indispensable part of "closeness". On the other hand it is just so paralyzing and depressing to find yourself in a position where you are deprived of getting this feeling, no matter how much you try.
2. Liberation. In the past three to four years, I have felt a wave of liberation in my life. I am really pleased to see some bounds and limits and don'ts gradually fade out and give place to an empowering feeling of liberation. There are so many established rules in the society, which we take for granted as natural rules, while they are anything but natural. It's very difficult to show someone--or oneself--that something which has always been a certain way can be a different way. It needs a "paradigm shift" and does not happen until the person goes through a personal epiphany. Since at any given point in time I look at the world through my then-current beliefs, it is very difficult to predict how many more of the rules and bounds around me will go away in the future. But somehow, over the past years, I had gotten a very positive feeling about it. I have been happy to see something like Family Guy on TV. The mere privilege of seeing something so absurd in reality without having to justify any of it is so liberating. I feel liberated when people talk about taboos. With getting a bit older, this is happening around me more often. I'm turning 30 by the way. Even in circles with casual friends, we can talk about some seemingly controversial subjects. People can now watch accidents or other mishap videos on youtube. We all feel it's wrong, but these videos have a lot of views. I find this to be liberating. In some movies, I am thrilled to see some normal story line suddenly turn into something I would not expect to actually see, but I somehow anticipated in my subconscious. It just shows to me that people are not afraid to make what I'm not afraid to see. Having some freedom in sexually expressing myself in my personal life had helped me feel more liberated too.
However, recently I'm getting a sense of suppression in the opposite direction. I don't want to go into the details to explain why. I may have been too optimistic. Society and its rules seem to be governing about everything in life. The most limiting thing I see in sight is that as a human, I'm born a social animal. My well-being depends on being in good social relations, which more often than not ought to abide by the established social rules. On top of that, add the extra fact that anyone can choose to be honest, dishonest, or whatever they like to be, and I am bound to continue to benefit from or to tolerate the aftermath of other people's decisions.
After all, this is what makes life so interesting too. I know I just gotta move on.
Wednesday, January 02, 2008
I am back, and it just means I have complaints to make and nagging to do. Writing things down doesn't make them solved. But at least the first few minutes of writing are relaxing. Let's just hope I can get rid of this headache and go to sleep before I finish this.
...
Ok, this didn't work out. I got stuck in the middle of a paragraph. I'm too unfocused to be able to write now. Maybe I will write that later. Maybe tomorrow. But I post this anyway. Even though I can't write something coherent, I am sure the future me can look at this and remember. Actually, a while ago I sent out one of those futureme emails to myself. I don't remember what I wrote in it. Perhaps I should write another one.
Saturday, September 22, 2007
Léon
I watched "Léon, the professional" again. I had watched the movie once before; about 3 to 4 years ago I guess. But I'm surprised I'm so moved by it this time. I hadn't forgotten most of the story, so this comes to me as a surprise. Meanwhile I'm thinking "so, I must have changed". The climax of the movie, for me, was the scene where Leon helps the girl leave through the hole in the wall, especially where Léon portrays the life he is going to have. I actually cried for a couple seconds, and I couldn't help it. Cheesy, I know. The thing that passed through my mind in those few seconds--quite surprising to myself--was martyrdom, and specifically "Ashura", and that's surprising because the movie seems to be about anything but that. I think it's for the very first time that I understand Ashura. I can now see what they are trying to say, and why the story should exactly end the way it does. I don't take pleasure in discussing my stance on religion, especially revealing that I know myself to be an atheist. But that is part of the point here.
I keep thinking... if the people who bring sorrow and grief upon themselves during those religious ceremonies--if they do deeply feel something similar toward their heroes, then I am truly happy for them, and whether what they believe in is true, or most probably not, has nothing to do with it. I'm just considering the chance that this might be the case for some, even though I can't imagine it to be. Yet I do know that I don't know about everything.
Tuesday, September 04, 2007
The fallacy of "I understand how you feel"
This has been on my mind for quite a while and finally I got a reason to write about it.
Ok, this one is tough and I honestly doubt if I can even get close to doing it justice, but I will write about it anyway. The way it works is that somebody tells you their story, or you witness someone going through something, or something of similar nature, and then at the end you somehow feel like you can relate to the person, or you think you have had comparable experiences in the past, and then you say something like: "I know. I understand how you feel."
Well, you simply don't. You almost never do. I would have tried to explain why if I thought I could, but I just can't. But the actual point is that there is something else that you can understand. That would be the fact that you can't possibly understand how someone else might feel when you are not in their environment, in their context, and carrying the history of all their personal experiences. And you might be a much more helpful person to them if you just believe this, instead of persuading yourself into thinking that you can relate to their feelings.
I just recalled that there was a South Park episode which somehow touched on this subject and I searched the net to find it. You can read the plot of that episode here on wikipedia: With Apologies to Jesse Jackson
I know the tone in this post was a bit different from the regular me, and you know that I don't lecture people. What inspired me to write about this was that I just recalled a few occasions where I had thought about this subject and had felt frustrated. I felt frustrated thinking that there are moments when you are talking to a person and trying all you can to convey a feeling or mindset, but you just see words fade into hollow strings of murmur; turning lower and lower and becoming more and more vague the more you insist on using them. That desperate feeling of seeing a gap seemingly so small, which you know you are unable to bridge ever. You can't help but realize how ineffective communication is in general. And you can't help but realize how powerful "shared and common context" is when it comes to letting someone know what is going on inside of you.
I can't possibly recall all the occasions. But I can remember a few. I felt this when I realized I can't really know what it means to go through a divorce. I felt this when I realized that I can't explain that the meaning of a letter is not the meaning of the sentences that appear in it, but the mindset of the person who wrote those sentences. I felt this when I realized that I can't explain how it feels to be in an undesirable situation where you can't see any paths which can even possibly take you out of there the way they should. I felt this when I noticed someone trying to tell me something, but it seemed like they couldn't get it through. And last night, I thought of this when I felt so isolated and undefined in my own home. I felt like someone who didn't really exist. Like someone whose presence doesn't keep you from passing a secret to a third person. I felt like a fugitive with no home. And I thought to myself, "gosh, it must really suck to be a fugitive" and it just dawned on me again that there is no way to understand many of the feelings unless you experience them firsthand. And as I'm writing this, I know I should again keep this all to myself, because there is no where I would go to talk about it at this time.
On a side note, if you usually find yourself trying to undermine the magnitude of your friends' dilemmas, concerns, or pains, whenever they talk to you about it, thinking this is a way to help them pay less attention to that problem, do them a favor next time they talk to you about it by just saying: "it really sucks to be you in this situation."
Finally, reviewing all the mess that I have written here in my own mind, I can't help but appreciate the fact that I have less than half a dozen readers total, half of whom probably won't read this far. May god keep you as few as you are!
Sunday, September 02, 2007
pooshaali
