This is not a blog

Saturday, October 30, 2004

Dot Suspended 

This is the time. Like Dodgy Bongo said, there is certainly a blogger’s good bye vibe around, as a few of you have decided to stop writing in the past few days, and just coincidentally, I’ve decided to suspend this blog for a few months; five or six probably.

The main reason is that it’s the applications season again. I once wrote about my graduate studies story, and that was the only post that I took down on this blog shortly after. So it seems just logical not to try to delve into any more details. …. I just deleted a long sentence here. In fact, let it be unsaid, if that’s the way it should be. Anyway, I realize I feel the anxiety sometimes, and that’s a good thing against this frustration I’ve been through, which has resulted in my being resistant against any decisions on making further moves. The anxiety appears to be a positive factor. It has proved good, practically. But it appears that I’ve usually used writing in this blog as a way to calm down this anxiousness. So, it is just that I need to deprive myself from this valve.

I know I have quite few readers and I know it would have not been that much different if I were to keep blogging, considering the quality of my recent posts (this one below is a good example!), but I want to thank you all for considering me a part of the circle and sharing your thoughts and concerns with me. You have no idea how much valuable they are to me.

I have been speculating about writing posts on my recent obsession with Arthur Schopenhauer upon reading a few of his words, and about my passion for exploring philosophy in general, an also linguistics, and that I’ve learned these are in fact correlated with my particular interest in computer science, and about my realization of the fact that during the past year and so, I’ve somehow unknowingly entered into a mode where I never find enough reasons to approach any girl, despite my profound emotions for them, and that I spent a night reading English translation of some extremely great quotes from a famous religious leader, and emphasizing the fact that the essence of the quotes were in fact not in accordance with the typical believer’s perception of him, and that my cell phone is still off since its charger got broken 7 months ago. But this is no big deal. I’m going to be writing about all these!

Take care everyone

Friday, October 29, 2004

This is not a blog, but I'm Jeffery Lebowski.

Monday, October 25, 2004

Saal-haa-ye Door az Khaane 

I've got nothing special to say. As far as it seems I've written almost all of my posts at midnights. But now it is 4:30pm. I'm at work, and I so badly feel like I want to go home. But I just got here at 1pm. No one will say a word if I go, but it just feels strange. It's really difficult to type with these cold hands. I feel like going home, because I don't find my brain functional. If I get in a car, I'll be spending around one hour sitting in the car, waiting to reach home. That would be a good break. That's something normal to do. Apparently, I have difficulty articulating the subjects. But that's not a problem. Even when I didn't, I didn't usually say something useful!

So, I'll spend a few more minutes typing, and then I'll part. Part? or is that depart? I don't no. The thing is, I'm practically on the schedule of wake up at noon, go to bed at dawn. Why do I feel so cold in my fingers?! Anyway, the thing is, there are a lot of reasons why I should change this schedule, and live like anyone else. Wake up at the morning and go to bed at night. But whenever I tried that, it is like everything is naturally against making that change. I mean, as if I am living naturally, and I'm trying to take an abnormal [or some other adjective] approach [and some other noun].

A few months ago, for a week or so, I woke up in the morning everyday, but it was just crazy. In terms of transportation, finding a taxi at 12pm and 8pm is so much easier. And the streets are quite sparse(?). Therefore I usually spend less time in traffic. But it is horrible if I were to do the same at 8am and 4pm. I remember having to wait up to half an hour in line for taxis. And the sun! Yeah. Usually when I'm out, the sun is either absent, or its rays hit the earth with angles larger than 45 degrees. But when I went to work at 7-8am and came home at 4-5pm I always had to meet the sun in one of the horizons. It was so cruel, especially in the summer. I remember a couple early mornings I had to take a long walk to reach some certain place, and I walked the entire path looking at my shoes, because I was walking directly toward the sun, which was shining in my face with horizontal strong yellow rays. It was the same when I was in a car. Practically during those hours, out of the four possible directions, only one is safe. It is so nasty when you are in a car and the sun shines from either sides.

And last night I went to bed at 11pm. So soon. But didn't wake up sooner than 11:30am. And... let me write a few more ands! And, and, and, and, and. To compensate for the sentences that I start without one! It is so difficult to type consecutive ands with cold fingers! Try it out yourself. Anyway, everytime I change the hours during which I sleep, especially as a result of one of those forward-shift-accelerations, that is the two-day-one-nights, I end up seeing horrible dreams! I just saw two bad dreams this morning. I woke up from one and then saw another one. And I don't know why the taste of the dreams persists in the background during the day, no matter how much nonsense and off-topic they are.

So, I tried to compare my living routine with the so-called normal one, in terms of how natural they really are, and how well they are received by the sun, the cars, and the dream world, in order to conclude that I gotta put my cold fingers in my pockets and go home now. You see, I too have got a sense of logic.

Monday, October 18, 2004

I know 

I know, I nag too much,
but I don't nag enough.
Wait a second... this sounds familiar... something like:
I said too much, I haven't said enough...
I don't remember where I've heard that.
Anyway, I nag too much,
and that's not about to change!

Sunday, October 17, 2004

Involontairement 

« Il y a un volontaire ? »
Quelqu'un soulève sa main.
Quelqu'un incline la tête.
Mais, on peut toujours se reposer et observer, comme moi.
Mais chaque fois, je me demande
pourquoi personne ne m'a demandé
si voulait vivre,
avant de m'introduire dans cette vie.
...
« [mon nom], commencez »

Thursday, October 14, 2004

get me out
i want out
get me out
or in, for that matter
i'm equally interested in both outlets.

Tuesday, October 12, 2004

Dot Red 

This is how I feel about my life at the moment: dissatisfied. I don't know, or maybe it is discouraged. There have been times when I've been sad, happy, determined, bored, motivated, heartbroken, confident, or even unhopeful. But now, all I feel is just dissatisfaction. Nothing more; no feeling of making changes, and no feeling of suffering. Actually, I'm keeping watching with dissatisfaction. With my fingers crossed behind my head. I have never been in such a mode before. Such moveless observation, and all of it while I know all the rights and wrongs around me, and that there is zero deviation between my attitudes and attributes, and the things the happening of which I've been speculating in my mind. It feels so calm on the outside, but there is insensible uneasiness on the inside. It is like seeing someone scream, but not hearing anything. It's like being in a dream where for some reason you don't happen to do what you want to do. And the new set of colors on this page, that's the color of it all.

Tuesday, October 05, 2004

The Bar 

I’ve noticed some of you are a little dissatisfied with the new Blogger bar on top of your pages. I believe the Blogger guys have been playing it cool recently. They replaced the banner ads with this narrow bar, they have made it possible for the bloggers to take part in the AdSense program, and they now allow for uploading photos for the posts. So I’m really hesitant to publish a method for removing the Blogger bar. But on some of the templates, this new bar fails to open up its space at the top of the page and ends up covering some portion of the title. So, I’ll just close my eyes and type and the rest is up to you! What’s interesting is that they have made it quite easy themselves by assigning an ID to the bar, while it is not used anywhere by the Blogger scripts themselves. This makes it possible to modify the bar by assigning any particular style to this ID in the CSS section of your template. And I can’t imagine what else it could be devised for!

You can add this line in your template somewhere below the tag that says <style type="text/css"> and before the closing </style> tag:

div#b-navbar{position: absolute; z-index: -1; top: -100px; visibility:none;}

Khodaayash bebakhshaayad!

Adulthood 

I need to grow up. I want to become an adult, to catch up with my age. I need to live like an adult, and what’s most important, to think like an adult. I’m tired of having to constantly interpret myself with a different mindset just to find out how I am looking on the outside. Just to find out what this specific behavior of mine or that particular decision of mine means if I were to have a pure advantage-seeking mindset, as every adult supposes every adult does. It drives me nuts when they nod their heads as a sign of confirmation, while inside they can’t believe you’re doing something just because you like it, and without any consideration of how much tangible profit it entails. On the other side, it is also disappointing to forget the fact that everybody is supposed to put themselves first, and then feel that you’ve been taken advantage of. Because this is no fairy tale story, and that’s indeed how the adult sees the world. I like the way I am. But I’ve got tired. I can’t describe how much distasteful (for the sake of avoiding too much negative words) it seems to me to be such a creature, always caring about these so-called benefits and profits and always having to seek them. But I assume I will think otherwise if I do grow up, because no one hates themselves, no matter how they live, and how they think.