This is not a blog

Sunday, June 18, 2006

The biggest biggest-lie-ever, indeed! 

I believe I have mostly been writing here whenever I was feeling somewhat down or pensive. And boy I kept writing for a long time! Now does that mean something!

[Rants about my sleep disorder moved to another post]

So I was telling... it seems I'd been writing here as a way to relieve myself of something. Perhaps at that that specific moment, the feeling is that I'm alone and there is nothing to do to change the subject in my mind, or to at least to change the dynamics of the equation that is being munched in the back of my head. You know sometimes when you just talk about something your own perception of it moves and changes. If you talk about what you're feeling, or if you go and watch a game, or if you listen to someone else talking to you about something, you leave that state that you had and you enter another new state.

Today something took me back to when I fell in love 6 years ago. I won't tell you stories here. I was not in a relationship with this person and barely knew her. I didn't even remotely think that I could like her like that. Yet it happened and was the strongest thing I have experienced till today. I don't have such a feeling now, but that person is sure still different to me. And I don't quite understand what makes a particular girl this much different for someone, because after all we are not really particular. That girl looks like yet-another-girl to virtually everybody else. The question is, what is the message that my brain tries to send to me about this particular person by making me feel different about it. Let me see if I can find something.... No I couldn't!

So I have to put it together myself. I think Schopenhauer said that the passion that you see between a man and a woman in a love affair, that's the manifestation of a child's desire to be born. I think he said you would think there is something particular about your affair, but it's the to-be-born child that is trying to come into existence.

That's not what I'm trying to say and you may want to debate on that, but this I know for sure that we have been wired to make our species survive and evolve. A lot of the things that we do that we feel like we're doing for ourselves, is actually there for the good of the species. Just like the cells in your body have individual lives, yet their raison-d'etre is to keep you alive.

Now if you have seen the movie "March of the Penguins" somewhere in that movie the female penguins approach the male penguins and choose their mates. The narrator says we don't know what they are looking for in a mate, we just know when they have found it. Later in the movie you see that the males have to keep the eggs warm while the females walk back 70 km/miles to the sea to bring food. You realize that based on their instinct, the females try to choose a mate who can have a good teamwork in making their relationship successful: that is, to let a child be born.

It could be just like that for us humans. When you feel more passionate about someone, it perhaps means that your instincts think that you will have higher chances of having a successful relationship with them with regard to the child to be born. I don't know what exactly it could be, but it could be giving birth to a better child, or securing a better environment to raise them. Perhaps this is the desired harvest of the feelings that our brain induces about such a particular person.

I think I'll break this post in two parts.